


These Cold Nights

by A_Modern_Girl



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Canon Friendly, Chakotay (Star Trek) Crashes A Shuttle, F/M, JC Tropefest, mostly happy ending, shuttle crash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:29:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23726107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Modern_Girl/pseuds/A_Modern_Girl
Summary: When Chakotay is injured in a shuttle crash, Janeway is prepared to make a deal.  Belated entry for J/C Tropefest.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 32
Kudos: 88





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A month late, here is my J/C Tropefest shuttle crash fic! Thank you [The_Elephant_in_the_Pride_Parade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Elephant_in_the_Pride_Parade) for breathing life back into this story and for the helpful feedback! I hope this brings a little joy to folks who are struggling with COVID-19. Stay safe, friends.

Captain Kathryn Janeway sat at the ops console in the _Sacajewea_ and tried not to drum her fingers on the surface. Her first cup of coffee was growing cold beside her. She had barely sipped from it, but she was already jumpy. She and Chakotay had left the Ranari homeworld after a farewell breakfast, and they would be back on _Voyager_ by dinner time. Watching the blue-green orb recede from view helped somewhat, but she couldn’t shake a lingering sense of disquiet.

“I don’t know, Chakotay,” she admitted, “It just feels… too easy somehow.”

Her sole companion turned away from the conn and looked at her appraisingly.

“Captain, you negotiated hard for the ore we needed, and dazzled the diplomats along the way,” Chakotay replied, “Every first contact is a unique challenge. Just because we got what we needed doesn’t mean it was easy. You worked hard for this. Enjoy it.”

Kathryn didn't want to meet his eyes, so she frowned at her console instead. Only a few people on _Voyager_ truly understood the demands of her job, and Chakotay was one of them. It was a mixed blessing: they were almost always on the same page, but he saw what she tried to conceal from everyone else. In this case, he was probably right. She was exhausted from interacting with the Ranari delegates, and that was clouding her judgement. She nodded grudgingly.

“Besides, you heard the high priestess at this morning's blessing. You should begin your thoughts from a place of gratitude, remember?” Chakotay added.

From anyone else, that advice would have elicited an eye roll or a sarcastic comment. As it came accompanied by one of Chakotay’s dimpled grins, Kathryn simply smiled back, and tried to push the negative thoughts from her mind. She was grateful, she reflected. Grateful for Chakotay’s easy companionship, his humor, his compassion. She had to navigate the perils of this quadrant, but at least she was doing it with him.

She was about to try to convey her thanks when a blinding explosion lit up the viewer as the shuttle was abruptly tossed to port. Kathryn grunted as she tried to hold on to her seat. Even before the shuttle righted itself, she was frantically analyzing the data.

“That was a subspace mine!” she called out over the whine of the red alert klaxons.

“We’ve lost warp power and our shield generators,” Chakotay replied as he righted himself at the conn, “but it could have been worse. I don’t think the blast was meant to destroy the shuttle, just damage it.”

The ship bucked and heaved again. This time, Janeway was ready and her fingers flew over the console.

“The power signature is Ranari,” she reported, “I guess they weren’t ready for us to leave.”

“I just got a clear reading. The minefield extends to the edge of the solar system,” Chakotay said, “It must have been inactive when we flew in. I can try to steer us around the mines, but they're everywhere.”

Janeway could see her concern mirrored on Chakotay’s face. While the Ranari had been kind and accommodating hosts, she could still think of many reasons they might want to attack them. For one thing, they hadn’t developed transporter technology yet. Or perhaps they wanted photon torpedoes to resolve a local dispute. Either way, she resolved that they wouldn’t get what they were after.

“We can hide on one of the uninhabited moons of the outer gas giant,” Chakotay suggested, “but if we try to send a distress call to _Voyager_ , the Ranari will almost certainly pick it up.”

She nodded her assent, then bit her lip. There had to be a way to get a message to _Voyager_ without tipping off the Ranari.

“We have a long-range probe onboard!” she exclaimed, “It’s small enough to make it through the minefield and let Tuvok know where we are.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Chakotay grunted.

It was clearly taking all of his effort to stay on course for the moon. The shuttle shook and trembled, but she turned her focus to the task at hand. They were just entering orbit when the probe was ready. She let out a sigh of satisfaction as she watched it soar away on her plot.

“She’ll make it,” she said, not sure if she was reassuring Chakotay or herself.

Just then, another blinding flash lit up the screen. Despite Chakotay’s best efforts to avoid them, a mine had exploded directly ahead of the shuttle. Janeway watched the dizzying array of damage reports scroll across her screen.

“I’m down to port thrusters!” Chakotay called out, “Hold on, this is going to be rough!”

Janeway knew from experience that the mountains and craters were approaching much too quickly for Starfleet safety standards. She shut her eyes tightly and prayed to all the gods and spirits she didn’t believe in to deliver them safely. She could barely hear the whisper of the thin atmosphere whizzing by before her world went dark.


	2. Chapter 2

Janeway woke up slouched over her console. The dead hulk that had been their shuttle was bathed in the soft blue glow of the gas giant they were orbiting. She slowly tested her arms and both legs. Her ears were ringing and she had a nasty headache, but she otherwise seemed unharmed.

“Chakotay?” she rasped.

Seconds ticked by, but he didn’t respond. Gingerly, she stood up, and immediately saw her first officer. The impact had knocked Chakotay back from the conn, and he was lying on his back on the floor. Kathryn’s heart started to pound when he didn’t respond to her repeated calls, but her training overrode her panic. She reached for the medkit, then knelt beside him. 

According to her readings, Chakotay had bruised ribs and a nasty concussion. He must have been actively trying to steer the shuttle up to the moment of impact, she realized. If he had taken even five seconds to brace himself, he probably wouldn’t have been thrown as violently as he had been.

“You’re in big trouble, mister,” Janeway murmured.

The medical tricorder recommended an anti-inflammatory and immediate attention by experienced medical personnel. Janeway provided the first, and hoped the second was on its way.

There were tasks she needed to attend to, so she reluctantly left Chakotay’s side. A quick scan revealed several minor hull fractures which required her immediate attention. She took breaks in between fixing each one to check on her first officer. Not only did Chakotay show no signs of waking, but her task took twice as long as it should have. B’Elanna would not approve, Kathryn admonished herself. 

Finally, every fracture was sealed. The shuttle still had power, which kept the cabin warm and comfortable, but it would make it easier for the Ranari to spot them. Janeway quickly checked the passive sensors. There were some shadows hovering near the outskirts of the system that she didn’t like, but there was nothing she could do about it. She took a deep breath, then powered everything down.

The silence was a chilling reminder that what had been the _Sacajewea_ was now merely a box of pressurized air on a dull, lifeless moon. Kathryn slowly turned back to face Chakotay. In her mind’s eye, she pictured him blinking and sitting up, but instead she found him exactly where she left him. The shuttle was going to get very cold, she noted, so she headed aft to find blankets.

She puttered around as long as she could, debating different ration packs she should grab while she was there. Now that the ship was powered down, this was the last task she could do to feel useful, and she wanted to savor it. Back in the main cabin, she made a big production of tucking in the blankets around Chakotay.

“Wake up, come on,” she said softly, disturbed when none of this seemed to bring him closer to the waking world.

She caught herself stroking his hair. Where had that come from? She drew her hand back and wrapped a blanket around herself instead. With a bitter sigh, she settled down beside him as best she could, leaning her back against the ops station. It was far from comfortable, but it would have to do. The swirling patterns of the gas giant overhead were the only indication that time was passing at all.

Kathryn tried to be still, but every couple of breaths she gave in to the impulse to rerun the medical scans, or to push Chakotay’s hair away from his eyes. At one point, she grabbed a padd, and tried to further analyze the technology the Ranari had used in their mines. She made it a full twenty minutes before throwing the padd at the bulkhead. What was the point? Nothing she learned would help Tuvok rescue them, or help Chakotay wake up.

She was powerless to change the situation, and it was agony. Chakotay had been in grave danger before, but she'd always had a full starship at her command to save him. She pulled out the tricorder again, squinting at the charts, willing them to change. A frustrated sob wracked her throat, and she shook her head to clear it. It wouldn’t do for the captain to cry over an injured member of her crew, she thought. But Chakotay was more to her than that, wasn’t he?

She had gotten sloppy, she reflected. During the long, boring reception the previous night on Ranar, Chakotay had come up alongside her and rested a reassuring hand on the small of her back. The part of her brain that loved protocol recommended that she step away and shake her head with a bittersweet smile, as she always did. But to her own surprise, she didn’t. His touch was warm and comforting. Somehow, he had known that despite the crowded room, she was feeling alone and isolated. Instead of pulling away, she had leaned into him just a bit more. Did violating her own parameters count if none of the crew could see them? Did the ache in her heart matter if she still shut the door behind her after she bid Chakotay good night?

She was supposed to be tough, she reckoned. Not for the monotonous days travelling through deep space, but for moments like these. Moments where she had no other choice but to contemplate that she might have to make the rest of the journey without her first officer, her best friend, and someone she wished could be so much more.

“Chakotay, listen to me,” she rasped. She hadn’t spoken for hours, and her voice echoed harshly in the dead shuttle.

“If you wake up, I’ll never cook for you again. I don’t know why I try, honestly. Maybe, it’s because I want to take care of you the way you take care of me. Anyway, if you wake up now, I’ll stop. I promise.”

As she spoke, Kathryn felt her racing pulse slow. Something about talking to Chakotay was calming her down, even if he couldn’t hear her. She searched his face for any twitch of movement, but all she could see were the little puffs of condensation when he exhaled. After finally hearing something, even her own voice, returning to the silence felt unbearable. Kathryn tried desperately to find something else to say.

“Okay, I’ll raise the stakes,” she said, “You’re usually so kind and patient, but I know Crewman Chell drives you crazy. When I’m angry at you, I assign you the gamma shift on the bridge with him so you have to listen to him hum all night. That’s pretty poor behavior, as a captain and as a friend. Wake up, and I’ll never do that to you again.”

When he still didn’t move, Kathryn felt her pulse pick up again. Before the mines, she had been about to thank him. For his service? For his friendship? How could she thank him for everything he was to her? An idea crystalized in her mind. She swallowed the lump in her throat and spoke again. “Okay Chakotay, final offer. If you wake up, I'll tell you the truth about… my feelings. About anything. I'll never lie to you again. Just please wake up, Chakotay.”

Tears welled in her eyes, but she didn't let them fall. What if he never woke up? Her mind stumbled over all the words she had never said to him. But then, suddenly, he coughed. He coughed, sputtered, and opened his eyes.

“What happened?” Chaktoay asked, wincing, “Why is it so cold?”

Janeway let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

“I turned off the power. The shuttle is intact, but she won’t fly again. We have to wait for _Voyager_ to pick us up.”

Kathryn was relieved when Chakotay seemed to process and accept this information. It meant he was thinking clearly, and the effects of the concussion were less severe than she’d feared. Like she had done, he started moving his hands and feet gently.

“How long was I out?” he asked.

“Four hours.”

Her voice must have given away some indication of the strain she had felt, because he paused his efforts to sit up to look at her closely. She lowered her eyes under his scrutiny; there was too much she couldn't conceal from him at that moment.

“Are you all right?”

She finally raised her eyes to his, and mindful of her promise, she said, “I am now.”

She could see that her answer surprised him, but before he could reply they heard a pounding noise at the airlock of the shuttle. Janeway leapt to her feet, phaser drawn. Chakotay had woken up just in time to be captured, she thought bitterly. She held her weapon at the ready, and then almost dropped it in surprise as Tom Paris crossed the threshold.

“Looks like you two could use a ride,” he said brightly, “I tried to beam you up, but something in the moon’s crust is disrupting the transporters. I would have been in here half an hour ago, but I haven’t had to join two shuttles manually since the academy.”

Tom's tone was flippant, but Kathryn could still hear his relief at finding them alive and well. He picked his way across the debris to where Chakotay lay. Kathryn knelt down beside him again, gently pressing on his shoulders to prevent him from getting up.

“Chakotay has a concussion, he needs attention right away,” Janeway ordered.

“I’m fine,” Chakotay insisted.

Tom wisely didn’t point out that despite her much smaller stature, Kathryn was successfully able to hold him down. If he noticed an extra note of tenderness in her touch, he kept that to himself as well. She waited patiently while Tom read his own tricorder, and drew a different hypospray than the one she had used. He delivered the dose with a satisfied nod.

“It is safe to move him to the _Delta Flyer_ , but once we get him there, he should rest,” Paris said.

“Where’s _Voyager_?” Janeway asked.

“Halfway across the system, driving away the raiders,” he replied, “Apparently, a rebel faction of the Ranari are responsible for the attack. Once we contacted the government, they were able to shut down the mine field in this area. We’ll head for the rendezvous point directly, and _Voyager_ will meet us there.”

Gingerly, Paris and Janeway settled Chakotay into the medical bay of the _Delta Flyer_. Kathryn traced her hand across Chakotay’s cheek while Tom uncoupled the two shuttles. He was still scrutinizing her carefully, as if she was a puzzle he couldn’t quite solve.

“Kathryn…” he started.

“Chakotay,” she answered.

She had made him a promise, and she would keep it, she decided. Chakotay had gone through so much for her sake, and he deserved to know the truth. Just as she opened her mouth, Tom called from the helm, “I could use a little help at tactical, Captain.”

She quirked a smile at her first officer and patted him on the shoulder. “Be good,” she said.

The truth would have to wait, she thought.


	3. Chapter 3

The next few days were busy for Janeway as she caught up on the ship's business without the benefit of her first officer. The Doctor had ordered Chakotay to take three days off to recover from his concussion. She scheduled dinner with him for his last night of recovery. Chakotay offered to cook since he wasn’t working, and looked a little confused at her sly smile when she accepted.

Their dinner was full of conversation and laughter, proof that things were getting back to normal. After they had caught up on the novel Chakotay had been reading, Janeway finally broached the subject of their trip.

“You know, this was the last straw for Tuvok,” she said, eyeing the commander carefully, “No more away missions, at least not just the two of us.”

“Given our track record, I can’t say I blame him,” he replied.

And then, more softly, “But I’ll miss it.”

Janeway cursed his ambiguity, but he was staying on the side of the line she herself had drawn. Suddenly it was too painful to look at him, and she cast her eyes to the floor.

“Me too.”

“Kathryn?”

She took a long shallow breath, her promise weighing on her chest like a physical force.

“Chakotay, right before you regained consciousness, I made you a deal. Something I’d do if you woke up.”

He sighed and shook his head, “I can imagine how stressful that time was for you. I won’t hold you to it, whatever it was.”

She finally dragged her eyes up to meet his, “What if I want to keep my promise?”

Chakotay seemed caught in her gaze, uncertainty clouding his features, “Then maybe you should tell me what it was.”

She fought the urge to look down again, and swallowed.

“I promised I would be honest with you, and never lie to you again.”

Chakotay still looked puzzled. He set his hands on the table. It wasn’t much, but it closed the gap between them ever so slightly. “Is there something in particular you feel like you need to be honest about?”

Damn him, she thought. Half of her had hoped he would ask that question, and the other half wanted to flee the room. She reached out to grab one of his hands, hoping it would anchor her there. Chakotay didn’t prod any further, and waited for her to answer the question.

“Right before we hit the mines, we were talking about the benediction from the Ranari priestess, about gratitude. You need to know that when I think about what I am most grateful for in this life, it is you.” With courage she didn’t know she still had, she looked straight into his eyes. “It’s you, and it will always be you.”

It looked as if Chakotay had forgotten how to breathe. For Janeway, it felt as though her heart was exploding in her chest.

“I can’t be your lover and your captain. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” she said.

She knew what she was offering wasn’t much. It was silly, she reflected, to expect him to accept her feelings when she couldn’t follow through on them. When Chakotay still made no sound or movement, she rose to go.

Her back had barely turned when suddenly his hand was on her arm.

“Kathryn, wait,” he said.

“Wait for what?” she asked, not bothering to hide the bitterness in her voice.

As she turned again to go, her eyes accidentally caught his, and what she saw there froze her in place. She had loved and been loved in her life, but no man had ever looked at her with the undying devotion she saw in Chakotay’s eyes.

“For this,” he whispered, and he pulled her towards him.

Her arms instinctively looped around his neck as his hands pressed her lower back until her body was flush with his. A soft sound escaped unbidden from her lips, just before Chakotay’s mouth closed on hers. Kathryn marveled at his full soft lips as she caressed them with her own. She launched herself onto her tiptoes just to get more of him. In the sudden change of height his hands found her backside and squeezed. It was too much for her and she broke the kiss to let out a needy moan.

“We should stop,” Chakotay whispered, “But I couldn’t let you leave without letting you know that I love you too.”

“You deserve so much more,” she said, her voice breaking.

“This is enough for me,” he replied, “I love everything you are, including the part of you that is my captain. When that changes, we can sort out the rest.”

Kathryn sighed. She nuzzled her face into his chest, clinging to him for one more beautiful moment. It took her awhile before she found the will to step back. She released her hold on Chakotay and offered him a shaky smile.

“I have one question,” Chakotay said.

Janeway chuckled as she straightened her uniform, “Well, I did promise to tell the truth. What is it?”

“What else did you promise me?” Chakotay asked.

“Ah,” Kathryn replied, looking for some way out of this new predicament, “Why do you think there’s something else?”

“I’ve seen you haggle. There’s no way this was the first thing you would have offered to make me wake up.”

Reluctantly, she told him the full story. First she confessed about the cooking, and secondly about Chell. For the second time that evening, she reckoned, she had rendered her first officer speechless. When he finally reacted, he burst out laughing. Kathryn couldn’t help herself and joined in. Only Chakotay could bring her from the depths of grief to laughter within minutes, she thought.

“As insightful as that was,” Chakotay said when he finally caught his breath, “I don’t think we should make any more promises this trip. Can we both agree to simply do our best, and take each day as it comes?”

Chakotay extended his hand and Kathryn took it, giving him her widest, most genuine smile.

“You’ve got a deal.”


End file.
